When Socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living, he wasn’t referring to the relentless examinations our children are taking in schools these days. The incessant pressure to perform is one reason why our children are showing signs of stress.
Suicide, although relatively rare, is still a leading cause of death among young people. And children in middle-class and affluent neighborhoods are at increased risk for substance abuse, depression and anxiety disorders, concluded Suniya Luthar in the Journal of Psychological Science.
This study didn’t address eating disorders, including obesity. Or the tremendous number of children diagnosed and medicated for ADD and ADHD.
The problems don’t stop in affluent and middle-class neighborhoods. Poorer children face threats of violence every day. They enjoy fewer community supports and endure deteriorating schools, facing their own relentless pressures to perform.
Responding to these trends, Columbia University has developed yet another examination for our children called “TeenScreen,” which measures children’s psychological states.
I applaud this effort to identify children who need help. I would be even happier if every community had sufficient care for all children who need it. But early screening addresses only the problems, not the causes. Even TeenScreen would not satisfy Socrates.
Last year I spoke to some children in a private secondary school. Later, I spoke to a group of middle school children in the economically depressed Kensington section of Philadelphia.
I asked both groups what their lives were like. The private-school kids complained of stress, insufficient sleep, and lack of time to “chill” with friends. They all had different definitions of happiness, including wealth, power and freedom. But not one child defined happiness as involving love, family or the larger community.
When I spoke to the Kensington children, I learned about the extreme adversity they bear daily. One 12-year-old girl said she was always afraid that she would get raped at school as her older sister had. Another was afraid to answer the door because his neighbor got killed that way.
Over the next few weeks, I received many letters from both groups. Many said the same thing: “Thank you for coming. No one has ever asked us about our lives before.” These children have been “examined” ad nauseam, but no one had taken the time to hear the musings of their hearts or teach them what true happiness means.
Certainly this doesn’t explain the increase in children’s psychological problems. But it does say that too many children are living unexamined lives.
Many psychological problems may be caused by living in a community that demands too much or expects too little. So providing psychological services to these children, while essential, is like treating someone for an allergy who is continually exposed to dust and pollen.
Family therapists have long known that when children show symptoms, it reflects problems in the family. So if a child becomes withdrawn or rebellious, they may be doing so because there is unacknowledged conflict in the family.
Too often children wind up in therapy when the family needs treatment.
And so it is with the larger society. As our children show more symptoms of emotional distress, we must do more than examine and treat their symptoms. Before intervening and repairing, before passing judgment or wringing our hands, let’s give our children what Socrates suggested. Sit down with each one and ask about their lives. Then listen with curiosity and compassion, feeling sadness for their suffering and joy for their dreams.
There is ample research that children benefit enormously when they “hang out” with adults who simply examine their hearts and dreams. Pretty smart fella, that Socrates.
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