On this day

44 years ago on this day and at the same hour I am writing this, I was in my car driving to Harrisburg to meet my uncle to pick up a lime green Thunderbird. I never made it.
When I was halfway there, I was in a terrible accident with an 18 wheel truck that caused my quadriplegia.

Every December 20, I pause and reflect.
Some anniversary days I look back and mourn my losses again. Some days I can’t look back on what happened It’s just too painful. And sometimes I don’t have strong feelings one way or the other.
All
But today is different. I’m sure part of it is my age with my failing memory and other aspects of my quadriplegia getting worse, bit by bit. And because of that I am loving more and more deeply. And so today I look back and I see that 33-year-old man in shock in a car that is crushed. He was taken to a hospital not far from Harrisburg. I see that man being transferred from ambulance stretcher to a bed. Terrified, alone and  wishing for death because I believe that would be the only way I would ever feel peace again.

And now 44 years later and I have a good life, one I am grateful for every day. By and large I have peace. I have many friends and I am still able to work part time in a gratifying career to help people in pain.
Today I look back on that terrified 33-year-old man and I want to go back there and sit with him. I want to put my arms around him and hold him while he cries. I want to hold him until he realizes he is being nurtured by an older and wiser version of himself. And as I write this, my heart aches. And I am grateful for that