On Friday I went to a doctor to discuss a new medication that might help me with the fatigue I have been living with. Because he was also a friend of mine, we had a long discussion about the pros and cons-especially the side effects.
I have also dealing for several years now with autonomic instability and wildly fluctuating blood pressures. I have come to the conclusion that there is no treatment for high and low blood pressure, so I am okay living with it. But I have no strong desire to make it worse. So…
Before I took this drug I dutifully called my pharmacist and had her look up drug interactions as I am taking more drugs than probably the entire city of Detroit. I received her blessing. I called my internist and received his blessing. I looked up drug interactions and side effects online and I didn’t see any of the dreaded side effects I feared. So…
On Tuesday morning I took a beginning dose of this new medication. One hour later, my heart was pounding, I couldn’t speak above a whisper and I felt like some overweight human was sitting on my chest. I called my doctor and, predictably, he said “call 911 and get thy butt to a hospital.”
Nothing special when I got there, just the regular joys of being in the hospital-no sleep, significant blood loss for the laboratory, x-rays, CAT scans and medication errors. You know, the usual.
But while I was there, my cardiologist was talking to my nurse and referred to me as “brittle”. Of course, I made a joke about it saying I preferred the word “sensitive” as brittle reminded me of a 90-year-old woman with stockings rolled up to her knees and her dentures not fitting well.
When I got home a couple of days ago, I got thinking about that word. He might be right. Here I am taking a medication and after due diligence, have side effects that have not been reported before. After living with this for 34 of my 67 years, I have some good news and bad news.
Bad news: I am brittle. My body is like a house of cards and I don’t quite know when the whole thing will fall down. I have always experienced my body/my health as fragile and, as a result, I live with a sense of vulnerability.
Good news: Despite that or because of that, I am a happy boy today and most days. I am comfortable with my own vulnerability. As cognitive psychologist Brene Brown says, without vulnerability, there can be no intimacy. As a result, my vulnerability not only opens me up to having intimate relationships, it enables be to love more deeply than I ever could have when I was pretending to be strong.
And none of this could happen if I wasn’t brittle or fragile or simply sensitive!
Always inspirational Dan…”I am a happy boy today and most days. I am comfortable with my own vulnerability. As cognitive psychologist Brene Brown says, without vulnerability, there can be no intimacy. As a result, my vulnerability not only opens me up to having intimate relationships, it enables be to love more deeply than I ever could have when I was pretending to be strong.”
Much appreciated… such frankness is deeply valued
thanks so much for your comments.. This happy and brittle guy, is busy planning his next vacation.
There is an old Jewish parable that goes like this: when we die,, we meet God who asks us to give an accounting of all of life’s pleasures we did not partake in.. It’s as though God is saying: “hey, I built you these Alps, why didn’t you go see them?” So if I take that parable literally,, I don’t want to take a risk and disappoint the big guy!
For 7 years I have lived in the Philadelphia area, and lucky for me, I found you about 6 and 1/2 years ago and have been a devoted listener ever since. YOur bravery is a beacon to me, through days that are dark for one reason or another, and the warmth and loving care that you extend to others is, in my experience, rare and too wonderful for me to think of the right word. I am so,glad your doctors know and love you. Your recent experience with the reaction to medicine was frightening. I now will pray for your continued health and joy every day. Sally