When Sally first came to treatment several years ago, she was a 35-year-old lawyer who, by all appearances, was an accomplished, successful woman. She gave her father credit as a role model for her professional success. But she was angry with her mother, whom she described as “weak” or “lazy.” Her mother, I learned, had […]
On Healing 10/7/2002: Beyond hue and cry, consider the real story
I am angry. Lately the news has been filled with awful stories of child abuse, neglect, abduction, a videotape of a mother beating her child. There was the story of a Pennsylvania teenager allegedly sent away by his family and starved, and another about an 11-year-old boy who said his parents forced him to sell […]
On Healing 9/16/2002: Listening to her daughter is one step in healing rift
Last month I wrote about a woman who was abused by her parents as a child and, despite many years of emotional distance, still carried many of the resulting burdens. I suggested that forgiveness not only releases the burdens but can help reclaim lost power in a relationship. Although the strength of forgiveness rests with […]
On Healing 9/2/2002: Humility, not arrogance, will help us deal with Sept. 11
Sept. 11 will be this nation’s national day of mourning. We will come together to reflect and talk about what we lost and about how things are now different. We will mourn the loss of our illusion of security and we will express our great sadness and fear about our children’s future. Since that tragic […]
On Healing 8/19/2002: A grandfather’s fears – and his hopes
Dear Sam: I last wrote you 27 months ago, on the event of your birth. In that letter, I shared some of the lessons I have learned and told you that life brings both joy and suffering. In these last two years, you have become a child of remarkable beauty and happiness with an astonishing […]
On Healing 8/5/2002: Forgiving abusive parents will bring you freedom
Long ago, I was wounded. I lived To revenge myself Against my father, not For what he was – For what I was; from the beginning of time, In childhood, I thought That pain meant I was not loved It meant I loved. “First Memory,” by Louise Gluck Dear Dr. Dan: I understand from previous […]
On Healing 7/15/2002: Caregivers shouldn’t fear seeking help for themselves
Dear Dr. Dan: I have been married for more than 30 years, and have three grown children. Although two are doing quite well, one is living alone with her teenage children after being divorced for the second time. She struggles both financially and emotionally. My husband has had chronic anxiety and depression for most of […]
On Healing 7/1/2002: Focus on who you are now
A man with worsening multiple sclerosis sent me a long e-mail. He described a dramatic decrease of mobility and a lessening of strength and stamina – changes that most of us will experience, usually over a much longer period of time. In his case, the change “strikes at the core of my very being. I […]
On Healing 6/17/2002: Experiencing pain, not avoiding it, can help heal
The Buddha is believed to have said that life is suffering. Certainly parts of life involve suffering, sometimes terrible suffering. But while life involves suffering, the avoidance of suffering is like death. Several people have asked me what the survivors and families of victims of the World Trade Center bombings will face now that the […]
On Healing 6/3/2002: Thoughts are just thoughts, not truth
You can examine them, and learn to free yourself from misperceptions. Lately, I have been thinking a good deal about our thinking. Most of us believe that our thinking is an accurate reflection of our history, our environment and our experience. Therefore, when we have a thought, we value it as truth. The truth is, […]
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