I recently consulted with an unhappy couple in their mid-40s.
Her first story: I work 30 hours a week and come home to care for the children and the house. When he comes home, usually after we’ve done dinner and cleaned up, he either works or turns on the television. I am tired and lonely, and he doesn’t seem to care.
His first story: I am working as hard as I can to keep this family afloat. I come home exhausted only to find a wife who complains about me from the minute I get in the door.
My first impression: Both partners are unhappy, feeling deprived and emotionally malnourished. And they blame their spouses. Neither has found a path for resolution, and if this continues much longer, they will stop looking for one. I begin asking each one about their lives in more detail.
His second story: He is a successful professional working for a large nonprofit. He understands that his job depends on his successes and when they stop, he becomes unemployed. To stay on top, he works six days a week and often has to bring work home.
Compounding the issue, he and his wife decided to move to a relatively affluent area with good schools. He doubts they could afford the house if he lost his job.
So while his job causes stress, it is also the only area where he gets positive feedback. He feels his wife doesn’t even like him, let alone respect him. He rarely gets to see his children and when he does, they feel distant. He has almost no time for joy.
When he was a boy, his father left him and his mother. And for the next 10 years, his mother was bitter. His marriage is starting to feel like his childhood. Something needs to change because he cannot live with this much unhappiness.
Her second story: She works part time, which enables her to get home to take her children to their after-school activities. She feels all of her days are consumed by work without any human connection. When her husband comes home, she wants a friend and companion but finds one who seems unavailable and uninterested. Behind her resentment, she feels terribly lonely and unloved.
My story: This is the pattern of many marriages: expecting too much of themselves and each other. Many things might have prevented this. If public education were good in every community, they could live in a home they could afford. If workplaces were more civil or mothers had more time, things would be easier. But we are not going to change society, and this couple does not want therapy. They said they couldn’t afford it, and could not even find the time to go every week.
So what to do?
It’s easy to say cut back on stress. But that’s like a doctor telling an obese person to lose weight. Not gonna happen. So here is an alternative:
Step 1: I told them to begin by talking to each other for 10 minutes while making eye contact about what they want in their lives and where their marriage fits into that. If it is not a priority for one or both of them, then they must consult with a qualified couples therapist if they don’t want this relationship to end. If it is a priority, proceed to Step 2, which requires 15 minutes a day:
Take five minutes each morning before the hectic activities start. Sit quietly alone where you will not be interrupted. Feel yourself in your body and just notice your breath. Just take those five minutes to check in on your life.
The other 10 minutes will be at the end of the day. Sometime before they go to sleep, they must talk with their spouse in a very structured way. Each should talk for five minutes without interruption about anything they like that is personal. Except… they are not allowed to say anything critical about each other, and the monologue should remain focused on themselves.
And finally, I advised them to expand the time from 15 to 30 minutes if they found it helpful. If it was marginally helpful, they should consider taking a marriage enrichment course or going into therapy. But they must remember that much of their pain is about their lifestyle and not their spouse.
drdangottlieb1946@gmail.com